Contrary to popular belief, I like the idea of personal change and perpetual progress (I’m just a pedant about it being on my terms).
I will say that the drive required to enjoy the process of change is one of the first that addiction tends to knock on its arse. They all go eventually, but a drive that values and seeks out discomfort is first up against the wall when the de-revolution comes.
So personal realizations are welcome growth food, even if the road to grasping them is more often than not one filled with pot holes, small sharp stones and dog shit… & and you in bare feet.
I’ve found that the most difficult and therefore most worthwhile realizations are the ones concerned with the lies we tell ourselves. On a dull gloomy day those lies are told by Hope, over a cosy soothing cup of tea.
On a brilliantly bright sunshine filled immortal indestructible day, Hope is off sulking because you don’t need him. But what he’s really pissed about is that his cousin, Over Confidence, is just lacing up his boots and tidying his cravat.
(In my vision of Over Confidence, at lest at this moment, he’s wearing a a white cravat with lemon yellow and sky blue pin stripes.
Don’t judge me, love me.)
Anyway, Over Confidence is as dangerous as Hope is debilitating. Whereas Hope keeps you cosy and comfortable with your inaction, Over Comfidence is busy getting you drunk on glass after glass of the old Irresponsible Optimism, aged for more than 20 years. The sort of drunk in which you believe things will just work out for the best, regardless of what you do.
Almost like Jagermeister drunk, with less slurring and black outs.
After completing a period of abstenance, it’s Old Mate Over Comfidence waiting at the gates to pick you up on release day. You’re Jake and he’s Elwood. You’re Danny Ocean & he’s Rusty. You’re feeling good and he’s full of bad ideas.
So what I finally, after years of lying to myself, grasped the realization that my self control is non-existent once I’m started . if it’s there I will find an excuse to take it, drunk on the idea that something is different and that I will be able to just leave it in the box.
As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, this experiment has proved very insightful, leaving a clear and lasting impression on me… a feeling I’ve not felt since…
Now I just have to remember to think that is something to be avoided when Hope comes over with the new season of Better Call Saul on his hard drive.